Unorthodox Tactics
by LongRider
Summary: Derek uses some unusual methods to get John thinking strategy. Series of shorts.
1. Chapter 1

Unorthodox Tactics by Longrider

Disclaimer: All Characters from TTSCC are being used purely for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement or insult is intended. Don't sue, review.

Chapter 1 Stealth

When Sarah noticed her son shuffle into the kitchen in search of breakfast that morning she had to do a double take.

She doubted that her son realized that along with an unruly head of bed hair, he also had the words "HEAVY SLEEPER" written on his forehead in big black letters.

Stifling a grin, she tried to suppress her laughter until John at least noticed for himself.

John had noticed the look his mother had given him and put it down to another approaching conversation about getting a haircut. Truthfully it was getting longer than he usually had it, but he stubbornly refused because it was something normal he and his mother could disagree over.

Besides he'd probably wind up with a crew-cut if mom had her way.

Derek appeared in the doorway as he always did. His usual grunted morning greeting replaced with something more articulate and a smirk that wouldn't quit.

John had noticed his mothers shoulders shake and had looked too late to see her turn away from him.

Something wasn't right, but for the life of him he couldn't put his finger on it. So he just poured his cereal while Derek tucked into some toast and his mother held her coffee mug up to her nose.

When he had nearly finished his breakfast Cameron had entered from the back after her usual morning sweep.

Cameron's graceful movements were stopped when she looked at John.

With her head tilted slightly she inquired to this "new item" in the Connor/Baum morning routine.

When John Heard Cameron ask "why does John have writing on his forehead?" Sarah finally burst out laughing, Derek chuckled and John checked himself in the closest reflective surface.

It was some time before Cameron got her answer.

Surprisingly Derek had explained himself in short order.

That he could pass off a prank as an excuse to help with Johns training while keeping a straight face was enough for Sarah not to come down on him for it.

Besides Sarah couldn't stop laughing whenever she looked at her sons scrubbed forehead.

John handled this with all the grace and dignity that a teenager with a bright red forehead could manage. If it made his mom smile he could live with being the but of a practical joke.

And anyway, payback was its own reward.

John realized he'd just started thinking like the leader he'd become.

That night John had waited a good two hours after Derek had crashed out on the sofa before making his move.

With a big black Crayola marker in hand he creeped up on his sleeping uncle.

He was silent as the night.

He was stealthy like a cat.

He was . . .

"Christ John, I've been in fire-fights quieter than you. Go back to bed and let me sleep wouldja."

. . . Not going to get his uncle back tonight

"Nuts."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 More Ink

Sarah had to bite her lip when John stumbled into the kitchen that morning.

Derek had struck again.

Trying not to draw attention, she quickly took in Johns "extras"

Thanks to a certain time travelling soldier, John now had the words "EASY TARGET" written across his cheeks and a big black moustache on his top lip.

Sarah was going to chew through her lip if she didn't laugh soon.

Instead she locked her jaw shut and hid behind her coffee cup again.

It was a well known fact in the Connor/Baum household that John was not a morning person.

He could go days without sleep when he was working on something. In fact Sarah had more than once caught him staying awake for days at a time when involved with one of his projects.

But once he was out, he was out for the count.

Reaching for the stack in the middle of the table, John filled his plate with a generous amount of pancakes and started eating.

Derek made his way to the table a short time later.

Sarah knew he did this on purpose every morning just to give her some quality time with her son before the day started.

One of the first things she learned about her would-be brother-in-law was that the smell of food always brought him running, no matter the time of day.

Except in the morning. And for that she was grateful.

Of course she had spent all of that time this morning trying to contain her laughter.

Dereks poker-face only made it worse.

John, typically, was oblivious to his mothers trouble as he swallowed another mouthful.

Derek made a significant look towards John, winked at Sarah and continued with his orange juice.

_You are an evil man Derek Reese. _

"Hey John, pass the toast." John did so mechanically, the future hope of mankind was on autopilot this morning. He only seemed to rouse when Derek got his attention.

"John you've got something on your . . ." He mimed with a gesture to his own lip.

_Do you have no shame?_ She was going to explode, any second now.

"Is John attempting to disguise himself?" Cameron asked from the doorway.

That was it. Sarah exploded.

Cameron approached John as he repeatedly thumped his head on the kitchen table.

Sarah tried to breathe from laughing so hard.

Derek just finished his juice.

That night John left his trainers in his room, he'd figured that his uncle must have heard his footsteps last time.

Bad enough Derek had got him twice now.

Bad enough Sarah had to leave the room to stop laughing whenever he walked in.

Bad enough he'd had to spend over 2 hours explaining to Cameron in minute detail that he wasn't attempting to disguise himself with ink.

And then spend over another 3 hours explaining the purpose of practical jokes.

The worst part was he now had a constant blush to his cheeks and his lip ached from the amount of scrubbing he'd had to do.

It was official. John had declared his first campaign.

His uncle was a dead man.

He was going to draw a mask around Dereks eyes.

He was going to draw a teddy-bear nose on his face.

He was going to give him a uni-brow.

He was . . .

"If I was a terminator you'd be dead by now." Dereks voice interrupted his plotting.

"Dammit!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 No ink?

Sarah knew something was up the moment her son entered the kitchen.

It took a few moments to realise her son was alert for once.

His face was also free of graffiti.

Evidently Dereks "training" had been paying off. Which was a good thing because she'd had serious trouble breathing after the last time her son had been "tagged."

John seemed quite pleased with himself too. He'd been bright red for days, so any chance to prevent a repeat of that was a bonus in his book.

He still hadn't been able to get his uncle back, but when you considered the difficulty of the task of sneaking up on a combat hardened soldier, he could be forgiven for not being able to crack it after 2 attempts.

Cameron had shown quite a lot of interest in the "prank-war" as John had labelled it. Turned out practical jokes were something her encyclopaedic mind didn't have any information on. She felt it was "a priority that this error be corrected."

So John had spent painstaking hours teaching her about what was considered equal parts funny and embarrassing for the "victim" of a prank. She'd had a lot of questions too. John couldn't help feeling as though he'd not completely succeeded.

If she wanted to join in so badly all she had to do was say so.

Sarah gave her son an enquiring eyebrow raise as her son sat down to breakfast, her question clear.

"He didn't try last night. Probably trying to keep me guessing." John explained before pouring himself a glass of juice and grabbing some toast.

"Huh." was his mothers reply. Just then the man in question made his way into the room. Sarah noticed he was in his sweats and trainers. Derek was going jogging this morning.

"Morning all, any water?" Derek asked as he checked the timer on his watch.

"In the fridge door." Sarah replied

"You decide to get a full nights sleep for once Derek?" John teased as his uncle pulled out a bottle to take with him.

"Yeah, guess I'm getting old." Derek answered. It was right at that moment Sarah knew something was up, because she caught her would-be brother-in-law smirk before turning to face John. John missed it because he had turned to see Cameron enter from the back.

Having finished breakfast John headed for the bathroom. Cameron had noted that John's typical morning routine consisted of food and drink first, followed by a shower. She had noticed this morning that Sarah and Derek were communicating without words again. She had yet to master such a method.

"Sonovabitch!" John shouted from the bathroom, followed by the sounds of a door being pulled open and Derek's farewell.

"Gotta go, see ya later." Derek seemed to be very pleased about his morning exercise as he ran out the back. What puzzled Cameron was that John seemed to be joining him without the correct footwear.

She noted he had the word "HOPELESS" written on his bare chest.

"Oh yeah, you better run." John called as he chased Derek out the door. Sarah was laughing so hard she was turning red.

"John has been pranked again." Cameron stated, Sarah just laughed even harder.

xxXxx

John's chest was slightly sore and not just a little pink after this morning.

So were his feet. Chasing someone for a block barefoot would do that to you.

He'd been so sure he was safe this morning, he'd snapped awake when his alarm went off an hour earlier than usual, he'd checked to make sure his face was free of ink.

And Derek had still managed to tattoo him without him noticing! John knew Derek wasn't doing it in the early morning at least.

But he was soooo going to regret starting this prank-war!

Because he might have the skills.

He might have the black marker that was odourless.

He might even have mom on his side to prevent her stepping in on his behalf.

But what he didn't have was the resourcefulness and determination of a boy who had been taught to be a leader from birth.

He also didn't have a completely painted face reminiscent of a Maori tattoo.

John could fix that.

He was about to get started. The marker inches away from his uncles face.

"I can hear you breathing." John jumped back several feet with a surprised squawk, his uncle was awake.

"Me too." Cameron said from right behind him. John jumped again.

"You have got to be kidding me!" John huffed in annoyance. Not again!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 Loud

By LongRider

DEREK!!!

Sarah used to remember the good old days when she could enjoy quiet time in the mornings.

She missed those days.

John Conner, future hope of mankind was nowhere to be seen. John Conner, angry teenager was storming through the house in search of his uncle. Sarah could hear doors opening and closing all over the house.

"Not a word" Sarah quickly shut her mouth as John entered the kitchen and yanked open a cupboard and pulled out the industrial strength cleanser and a fresh cloth.

Sarah tried. She really did try to keep a straight face as her son sat opposite her and went to work on his latest temporary tattoo.

That plan lasted all of three seconds when she saw the word "DROOLS" written on his forehead and a set of glasses drawn around his eyes. She had to slap both hands over her mouth to stay silent.

"Oh just get it out of your system already!" John glared at his mother as she collapsed into a fit of giggles.

When Sarah managed to calm down John decided to ask about their resident graffiti artist.

"Where is Derek?" Sarah shrugged. Who knew where their stray family member wondered off to? Everybody needed their private time and Derek guarded his more than anyone they had ever met. Still he always came home eventually, usually in time for dinner, despite how much Sarah burnt it.

"John has been pranked again." Cameron announced, making John jump.

"Stop doing that!" John whirled around to face her, ever since he had explained the prank war, Cameron had taken to sneaking up on him. He had tried ordering her, tried convincing her, he'd even tried recruiting her to help him against his uncle.

So far, no luck. It seemed Cameron liked making John jump.

And his mother was no help whatsoever. John had clung to the hope that she would step in and put a stop to this, but Sarah agreed with Derek's flimsy excuse that this was good practice for John's training.

Resigned to being the butt of more practical jokes of a soldier with delusions of artistry and a cyborg that employed twisted logic. John scrubbed harder at his forehead before starting on his temples.

Give him weapons training any day.

xxXxx

All was quiet in the Connor/Baum house. With the exception of one ever vigilant protector everyone was asleep. The peaceful silence was broken by a particularly unmanly scream and several gunshots.

Everybody snapped awake and headed to the living room armed with a handgun, a shotgun and in Cameron's case a ridiculously large machine-gun that would have been impossible to lift if she were entirely human.

"What and where?" Sarah barked as her eyes searched the room for threats, Derek was propped up against the wall with his own gun aimed unwaveringly at the couch.

"Snake. Under the blanket." He answered never taking his eyes away from his target.

"Check it." Sarah ordered and Cameron moved away from John who she had been standing in front of.

Cameron reached under the blanket, pulled out the snake and presented it to Sarah and Derek.

"This is not a snake." Cameron actually looked puzzled as she held up a length of garden hose.

All eyes turned to John as he burst out laughing.

"You shot the couch." John managed to say before dissolving into a fit giggles.

"You shot the couch!" Sarah Repeated as she turned accusing eyes on Derek.

"No, I shot a snake." Derek defended.

"This is not a snake." Cameron repeated, she had to repeat herself often with these people.

"You shot the couch!" John sunk into the nearest chair, giddy from air loss.

"I thought it was a snake!" Derek stood his ground as best he could.

"You shot the couch!" John repeated as Cameron moved to help him, alarmed at his breathing difficulty.

"You like shooting my furniture Reese?" Sarah was close to laughing herself. But putting Derek on the spot was too much fun.

"You put a snake in my bed?" Derek accused his nephew.

"Yes! And you put holes in the couch!" John was wiping tears out of his eyes. Cameron just looked on puzzled at this exchange.

"No. John put a hose under the blanket." Cameron corrected. Why couldn't they remember the facts?

Sarah finally gave up and joined her son in his giggling fit.

"Good one John." Derek finally admitted defeat. Chuckling despite himself.

"You shot the couch." Was all John seemed capable of saying. Cameron already knew this. Why did John keep repeating himself?


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 Fire And Ice

By LongRider

**Author's Note: Just wanted to say a big thank you to all my reviewers. I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to let me know their thoughts on my work. **

"DAMMIT ! ! !"

John was up.

Sarah put the cleanser with the fresh cloth on the counter and waited for her son to make his way to breakfast.

She didn't have to wait long. John stomped his way into the kitchen just as she poured herself a second cup of coffee.

Sarah placed her cup down before she checked Johns latest tag. It was not a good idea to be holding anything breakable when it came to art appreciation, especially Dereks idea of art.

John had "LOVERBOY" written across his forehead, _again on the forehead_, Sarah wondered how long this would go on. Probably until John could catch his uncle in the act.

"John, you have to put a stop to this." Sarah said in all seriousness. _Keep a straight face, look him in the eye. Keep a straight face, look him in the eye._ The mantra helped her gaze from wandering directly above her sons eyebrows.

John, predictably, glared at his mother.

"YOU could put a stop to this too!" It was an old argument, John had hinted, more than once, that Derek would back off if she said so. Sarah still believed that John still had much to learn, besides, she wanted to know what her son, the future General, would do next.

With the exception of the hose incident. Where they all had been on tenterhooks for a week. Nothing serious had happened.

Luckily for them the neighbours had all slept through Dereks little spat with the couch.

_Where is Derek?_

As if in answer, Derek came swaggering into the kitchen with an unbelievably smug grin on his face.

"Sarah, John." _How could he put so much mischief into two words?_

"Derek." Sarah replied neutrally.

"Couch-Slayer." John answered brightly, wiping the grin off his uncles face. Sarah bit her lip and settled in to watch.

She was saved the trouble as Cameron approached John with an ice-cube in her hand.

In the second it took her son to notice something was amiss, Cameron had achieved her objective.

With a high pitched scream. John leapt out of his chair and danced around on the spot, twisting and turning in his attempts to stop the ice from running down his back.

"I didn't know you could scream like that." John tried hard not to blush at Camerons statement.

"I didn't know ANYONE could scream like that." John just groaned as his uncle stared in wide-eyed disbelief.

xxXxx

All was quiet in the Connor/Baum house. Cameron had been completing her latest sweep when she heard somebody scream.

"FIRE ! ! !" Moments later Derek Reese ran straight across her path in his rush to the bathroom.

"What?" Sarah shouted from the hallway. She had her answer as John appeared in Dereks wake. Cameron noted that he had a small bottle in his hand. Noted the sound of the tap running in the bathroom. Also a sound she could not identify.

"What did you do John." Sarah was trying to maintain a serious expression. _So much harder these days. _

"Hot sauce." John triumphantly showed her the store bought bottle he'd used on Derek.

"Hot sauce?" Sarah repeated. _That was it? That was all?_

"Hot sauce?" Cameron echoed.

"HOT SAUCE?!?" The anguished yell came between gulps from the bathroom.

"What? I only used a little bit." John was clearly surprised by the level of reaction to his prank.

"How much is a little bit?" Cameron asked to clarify.

"About a capful." John showed them the cap of the bottle to demonstrate.

"You snuck up on your uncle?" Sarah wanted to be certain.

"Just tipped a little bit in his mouth, didn't expect him to scream THAT loud." John shrugged.

"I will get you for this John." Derek threatened, before going back to putting out the fire in his mouth.

"Talk is cheap Couch-Slayer!" John teased.

Sarah groaned. _ I'll_ _never stop them now._


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 Misdirection

By LongRider

Derek was ticked, absolutely, 100% ticked.

He'd been keeping this up for a while now. It was kinda fun knowing he'd been one-up on The Great General Connor.

But then the little smart-ass had changed tactics. _He is so like Kyle it's not even funny!_

The snake in the bed was brilliant. Speaking as a soldier it was an effective tactic.

The hot sauce was just cruel. _Teeth are still tingling and it's been a week!_

Derek knew John would beat him at his own game. But he'd been hoping to last a little longer. _No wonder he'll be the General._

Of course, Derek wasn't going to admit defeat yet. _The Reese boys never quit._

So here he was sneaking into his nephew's room, moving silently, avoiding the third floorboard from the door-frame because it creaked, stepping on the fourth that was rock solid, making sure not to open John's door more than a quarter, so it didn't make a sound.

He had the marker pen in his hand, ready to leave another reminder that his nephew wasn't done with his little training program yet.

Derek looked at his nephew, it never failed to surprise him just how much of his little brother lived on in him. He'd trained Kyle in the same way. It had saved their asses more than once.

_John needs every trick he can learn. The future is not a nice place._

It also gave Derek a chance to have fun with his nephew. There weren't that many games you could play with the lives they led.

Derek swept back Johns scruffy hair. Pulled off the marker cap with his teeth and started writing.

Except there was no writing.

There was no ink.

Frowning he checked the pen.

He wet the tip.

Nothing. Not a damn thing.

"Thought you checked all your weapons were loaded yourself, soldier." Johns eyes snapped open and Derek very nearly cried out in surprise.

Bad enough he'd jumped back.

"How?" Was all Derek seemed able to say.

"Put the tip in a glass of water for a few hours, keep changing the glass until the water's clear." There was a smug grin on Johns face.

"Found your hiding spot a while back."

_Little smart-ass changed tactics again! Kyle would be so proud._

"Back to bed Derek, tough day tomorrow." Damn but he couldn't help grinning. _This must be what being a parent feels like._

xxXxx

Derek woke to the sound of incoherent yelling. Taking a moment to focus he realised he was being yelled at by Sarah Connor.

Sarah Connor. _The Legend. _Was yelling at him.

"Are you listening to me!!!" Suddenly something wet and cold was dunked on his head.

"Aaaaah! What did you do that for!" Derek coughed and spluttered as his would-be sister-in-law came into focus.

"You tell me Reese!" Sarah lifted her fringe to reveal the word "SNORES" in big bold black letters on her forehead. _Huh?_

"I thought you were pranking John? You decide I need training too?" Derek knew he should have kept his mouth shut.

He knew before he spoke.

He knew as he spoke.

He knew after he spoke.

"What are you mad about? The fact you didn't notice or the fact that you snore?" Sarahs eyes narrowed dangerously.

_Yup, shoulda kept my mouth shut._

"**I. Do. Not. Snore.**" If he could have Derek would have dropped through the couch and crawled away.

"Derek!!!" John shouted as he came into the doorway. Strangely, John had writing on his forehead too. His said "MUMBLES."

_But John caught me last night! Didn't he?_

"I'll get you for this Reese." Sarah said as she left John and Derek alone. Derek could feel a shudder run down his spine.

He turned his eyes to his smirking nephew. John was using a wet-wipe to easily remove the ink on his head. Derek put all the pieces together. And groaned at the answers.

_Sneaky little shit did it himself! Changed tactics again!_

"Gotta love reinforcements." John said with a wink as he left the room.

_Definitely your kid Kyle._


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 Payback

by LongRider

**Author's note: This is a replacement for the original Chapter 7. I wasn't happy with it so I changed it. To Makokam, thanks for the review, but you were right. It wasn't as good as the other chapters. Hopefully this one is.**

Derek had been jumping at shadows for a while now.

He remembered a party back in the future. They'd been sat round a barrel of alcohol of some kind, trading jokes, trying to come up with the scariest experience between them. When a very drunk General Conner had told them the scariest thing in the world was his mother, the legendary Sarah Connor, pissed off, with resources and a bare minimum of 4 hours to plan.

Derek knew that Sarah was pissed at him.

He knew she had resources.

It definitely had been longer than 4 hours.

But she hadn't done anything yet. Every time he was in the same room with her she would just smile at him.

It was unnerving. Derek wished she would just get it over with.

xxXxx

It was a quiet weekend for the Connors/Baums.

For once they had no tasks to complete, no leads to follow up. In short, they had to be "normal."

Or as normal as a bunch of time-travelling fugitives with enough ordnance to defend a small country could try to be.

John had been looking forward to a "normal" weekend ever since they moved in.

John liked to people watch. He got a kick out of trying to figure people out from the subtle clues he could pick up when they didn't know they were being observed. It was even better with his family.

Because nobody in this family could admit they didn't know how to do normal.

Cameron would do her statue impression while she stared out the back window. John was convinced she was counting each individual blade of grass.

Sarah would clean the kitchen top to bottom, cook something halfway edible, then clean the kitchen top to bottom again.

Derek would go out for hours at a time. John didn't have a clue what he did in those hours. But when he returned he'd unload and reload every weapon in the house.

Except Derek hadn't got up yet and John was dying to know why.

xxXxx

John nearly choked on his juice when Derek finally came storming in. Stomping his way over to Sarah.

"What the hell is this?" Sarah slowly turned away from the oven. Gave Derek a once-over, then in the voice of an adult explaining to a slow child.

"You have your hands down your pants." How she kept a neutral expression in the face of the furious soldier John would never know.

"You glued my hands to my ass?" Derek was practically whining.

"You can't write on people if you can't hold a pen." Sarah explained completely deadpan. John could see his uncle moving dangerously close to boiling point.

"You think this is funny!" Derek was growing increasingly irate.

"Hey, how long have you been stuck like that?" John couldn't help teasing.

"Woke up this way." Derek explained never breaking his accusing look at Sarah.

"Why does Derek have his hands under his clothing?" Cameron asked from the doorway.

"Mom super-glued his hands to his butt." John quickly filled in while beckoning his cyborg protector to sit down with him and watch.

"How long before it wears off?" Derek groaned in defeat. Sarah had turned back to the oven. Ignoring him.

"Hopefully before you have to pee!" John said cheerfully, then Cameron asked.

"Is it commercially bought glue? Or industrial strength adhesive?" Both John and Derek turned to her.

"What difference does it make?" Derek demanded angrily. John had to cover his mouth to suppress his giggles when Cameron answered.

"Commercially bought glue can be removed any number of ways. Industrial adhesive may require a medical procedure." The way Dereks eyes bugged out at the word "procedure" had John full out laughing.

Derek was now panicking, he knew Sarah had a mean streak a mile wide. But this? _She wouldn't, would she?_

"Calm down Derek. It's only a couple of layers of skin." Derek turned on John.

"It's a couple of layers of skin. Off my ass." John tried to keep a straight face. He failed.

"Okay so it's your ass. I'm not judging." John noticed his mother shoulders shaking. He wouldn't be surprised if she was biting her lip right now.

"You are being a freak." Cameron spoke up. Not understanding the value Derek placed on his bottom.

"She is, definitely judging." John chuckled as Derek kept changing between glaring at Sarah and talking to John and Cameron.

"Would you two give it a rest. Sarah! I want to know how long." Sarah finally turned around. John could see she'd finally regained some composure.

"I don't know, you'll have to call the manufacturer." Cameron asked the question no-one else dared to ask.

"How?" John was laughing so hard at this point he couldn't sit up straight.

"Someone will have to give him a hand!" He managed to gasp out.


End file.
